Discussion around BDSM sexual practices

 

BDSM is sometimes seen as a world apart and some people find it hard to imagine that their loved ones can have this kind of practice. Often, at first, one can imagine dark libertine clubs with velvet curtains and rusty handcuffs, spanking and moans close to the gargle, sounds of whips and dominatrix with exotic pseudonyms disguised as Catwoman (I do not deny the existence of such practices or do not make fun of them, do not you: I’m just saying that this is not necessarily a generality).

However, bondage and discipline, domination and submission has always existed and the idea begins to germinate in the minds of the greatest number that this concept is accessible to all: book releases whose plot is based on the subject in are one of the proofs. From 50 Shades of Gray to Eighty Days Yellow , different aspects of BDSM are presented to the general public – not necessarily to get people to practice, by the way. From the establishment of a contract between the partners to a more lax way, accessories to the practice with bare hands, humiliation to the spanking that leaves traces through the strangulation, the BDSM intrigue. That’s why we decided to ask our readers to tell us about their relationship to these most amazing methods.

A fixed practice?

Contrary to what one might think, the dominant is not forced to keep his place and vice versa. In this great game that is sexuality, it happens that the roles are exchanged. Indeed, the statutes are not static for everyone, because as in all aspects of sex, everything depends on the “couple”, individuals rather than generalities, ready-made rules. So, one of the ladies who practices BDSM in her own way explains that she likes to know that roles can be reversed at any time. It reminds him of the playful aspect of his relationship to sex: “For me it is important that the roles are reversed at leisure, that’s how I realize that it is a game”. For another reader, exchanging roles, being able to test the experience on both sides of the barrier, it is also a way of diversifying all the more her sexuality, her sexual relations:

“I already dominated, I enjoyed being on this side of the stage. Seem to have power (when there are scenarios) or have it totally when it comes to improvisation. In terms of being dominated, I only had glimpses, but I must admit that I am very attracted. The fact of not having had an intense submission (in comparison with the Domina side) makes me much more attractive than domination. Generally I can say that I am a Switcher. I like both sides of the game. It offers a lot more possibilities and theatricality is not tainted. ”

Others, on the contrary, have tried to change the “roles” and eventually find which of these positions is preferred. A way to go groping, to do “in his sauce”, if I can afford a picture of the most appropriate.

The notion of abandonment

One of the things that has often come up in the responses of readers who have agreed to testify about their way of practicing BDSM and who prefer to dominate them has one thing in common: the notion of complete trust in the other. It makes sense: you have to be sure that the person with whom you have this kind of relationship will not go too far, or that you will go too far. It’s almost like the game of falling back and learning to trust the person who needs to catch you. One of them explains:

“I can not really say what [dominated or dominated] brings me, especially fun actually. The pleasure of going further with my darling, of giving him enough confidence to abandon me to him, and to feel that he too trusts me. To confess that I would like him attached to me has proved to me that taboos can be broken. I like sex! I like to fuck AND make love! ”

Another reader, who for the moment has practiced BDSM outside of any romantic relationship, agrees with this idea:

“My relationships with my different partners are very deep. Trust is essential, you have to reveal yourself and accept all aspects of the other. It’s pretty healthy in a way. There is no taboo, the limits are verbalized, sometimes rejected, but never exceeded if it is not what both want. That’s why trust must be total and we must know each other. A no can mean yes, but do not be wrong. We must feel the needs of the other. […] To accept to take the place of the submissive or the submissive is rather peculiar. It takes trust. Always trust. It’s primordial. “

Speaking of no who wants to say yes and no who wants to say no: one of the most representative aspects of BDSM is the safeword, which the reader who wrote a testimony to tell us about her report to such practices spoke to us last April:

“The safeword is the thing that proves that this” No, no “does not mean” No, well, if it goes is the game “but really” NONONONONON “. During lashes with constraints and pain (measured), it is not uncommon to say “Stop” but in fact, we do not really think. The safeword avoids this, and it can be anything, preferably a word a little rare or incongruous that would not really go out by mistake (and then it’s always fun to shout “Kangaroo” or “Kamoulox” during the love). “I would have chosen” bistouquette. I like that word, “notes Brigitte]

The safeword can also be a gesture (a “safegesture”). The idea is to discuss it before and to agree on a gesture to be reproduced in case of foot-hold. A bit like Kem’s, except that nu-e-s.

What benefits do the followers get?

The benefits obviously depend on the person, his feelings, his own personality. For information, I read among others 80 Notes de Jaune. A scene has “marked” me: Summer, the heroine, is violently spanked at a specialized party and, once the violence is over, she feels a kind of absolute plenitude, well-being and dizziness ( as if she had drunk too much Manzana while she runs at Perrier). And precisely, one lady evoked in other words and with other sensations of the possibility of feeling pleasure in a “pain”, as long as it is wanted, as long as it is consented:

“As for the pain … It is relative and tinged with pleasure. Yes a slap hurts, just like being strangled, pulling hair or penetrate “violently”. But it is a desired pain, different from the others, almost soothing when it arrives (aaah the suspense before the slap arrives). “

For many of the girls who have agreed to answer my questions, BDSM, domination, submission and games around this pain are a huge source of excitement. The impression of being at the mercy of the other, or that the other is at your mercy. A reader explains that being dominated in her sexual relations is for her a way to decompress, to let go of the daily life she likes to control. One way to reverse the trend, to let it go, not being able to really control the situation. A sort of outlet, self-forgetfulness, in a way:

“[…] I am a fairly independent person who does not like to be submissive in his (friendly or loving) relationships, and who needs some control over his life. In fact, I think that wanting to be dominated in bed is a way of ignoring the need to control everything in my everyday life. “

A reader wished to answer my questionnaire: he likes to be submitted by his companion. He likes to be spanked, pulls her hair, bangs her in the parties to the extent reasonable and uses accessories such as plugs, whips, traditional handcuffs and thumbcuffs, pliers For him too, it’s a relief compared to “everyday life”:

“After and during I feel really good, really in my place. All this accumulated frustration that is flying away is really good. It feels good to have nothing in control and to know that everything is fine … “

He is one of those who would like to apply this way of doing things to his everyday life. For example, he says his girlfriend recently asked him to clean up, telling him clearly how many spankings he would get if he did not do everything in time. “I liked it a lot,” he concludes. Because we forget sometimes that the BDSM is not only a history of sex: it can also be translated by orders, a kind of psychological pressure consented, which can stop once the sexual atmosphere has subsided … or not at all. Some feel ready to put some domination in their daily lives, and others do not, like this reader who likes to be sexually submissive, but is fundamentally different outside relationships sex with men (or when she has sex with women):

“When I’m in a relationship with a man (I’m precise since I’m bi), when you’re out of bed I realize that I’m absolutely not tactile, in love or not. It does not bother me to have both hands in my pockets, and walk quietly next to him. I do not have sweet words, gentle gestures, soft looks. I am not at all demonstrative. In fact I behave like a good friend, like “I do not need you”, it surprises many. After bed is the opposite, I am downright submissive. ”

Another ladysays that she is so different every day that she was frightened when she realized that her fantasies revolved around a dominating relationship dominated:

“When I was younger, these fantasies scared and shamed me, I thought that it was totally in contrast with my feminist ideas. Now no more, I know that it is in a borderline framework established by both of us in which one flourishes. We do not do it every time and in everyday life I am anything but submissive. ”

To read the readers and the reader, what stands out most is the notion of respect for the other: a reader explained that, yes, she feels respected when she is spitting in the face. “Because it’s deeper than that, because I want it,” she says. “I feel respected because I respect myself, because I feel like it and the other is listening to me. ”

What could be defined as a balance of power between dominant and dominated is finally a sexual practice tinged with the search for common pleasure and excitement where the protagonists sometimes go little by little, but especially without ever forcing their partner. Everything seems to be a question of choice and hedonism that does not always have anything to do with the clich├ęs that are maintained about it.

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